On September 30, 2017 I entered the emergency room of the University Medical Center here in Las Vegas. I couldn’t breathe, was in extreme pain. Every time I bent over the spasm wouldn’t release. I was in “grave” condition. It was a miraculous experience. Everything that was required, appeared. My biggest fear, the fear of having cancer, dissolved. I was being taken care of, despite my financial condition. Nine days later, with a diagnosis of metastasized stage four breast cancer I was moved to a residential rehabilitation facility. I still couldn’t breathe.
While I was at UMC, heart monitors electronically interfered with my energetics. I go into God through the breath. I couldn’t breath. My heart was racing. I heard, “Just Be.” At my request, no television or lights were on most of the time. I refused most pain medications. I laid in bed negotiating the terms in which I would “stay.”
“I won’t stay unless I AM Happy.” I declared. I didn’t even know what that looked like. It had been a longtime since “happy” had visited. My Crew, a group of four friends and my sister stood by waiting for me to decide. Are you staying or going? We support you either way.”
For the first few days I would say,
“I am complete. I can go. There’s nothing else for me to do.”
“I’m not happy.”
From my inner Being I heard, “You don’t have to go.”
“But I’m not happy. I don’t want to stay if I’m not happy.”
“Just be here now. It’s okay.”
Slowly over the next few days. I began to understand through not breathing into a sacred space but just being in one, that happiness was the eternal state of satisfaction and contentment of each now moment.
How?
Everything I needed appeared.
I wanted for nothing.
The hospital staff were incredible.
The Crew and I were laughing and singing.
I was happy.
Unable to connect into God by the only way I knew to live, Just Being became my new life. I was happy. The nurses laughed. Everyone knew that we had to get focused and centered before they poked me. So weak, unable to wash myself. I was happy. I imagined doing my qigong. I imagined happy. I sat in happiness.
I was moved to residential rehabilitation. I ended up with a tube to drain the fluid out of my chest. I learned that the lessons for this lifetime were: Patience, Humility and Compassion. All throughout my life I could go back and now see this. It took cancer for me to realize this fully. Here I AM.
This is the short version.
I cried the first time I went to physical therapy. I didn’t belong here but I am here so I belong here. I’m not like those people. After the first day, I made every effort to wash and dress before going into physical therapy. They often switched out therapist. They did not know me, one day I refused to move until the new person could tell me one thing about my case. She came back after lunch. She said, “You like to go outside.”
Only my Crew got to see me. Others were on the death visit or sympathy call. They weren’t welcome and weren’t invited. While prayers are always welcome, I did not let anybody do their energy work on me. I had a prayer partner. The word, “Fuck” became our spiritual mantra. We laughed. I was advised I must do forgiveness. “Fuck That Shit!” (I’ve been doing forgiveness practices for the last 10 years.) You must create a bucket list….. F No! You must. You must. You must. Everyone had an opinion. Your judgment is not my priority! I only had 60 to 120 days to live after all. The only thing I must do is BREATHE. Do you feel better, they had just drained some inordinate amount of fluid out of me. Like, “F…. NO!” I created artistic signage. After awhile I would just hold up the most appropriate one.
I began to give the staff fits.
“White is not a food group.”
“Sunlight is essential.”
“I’m going to stand up straight.”
“This is qigong and I’m going to keep doing it.”
After three weeks I went home with a drainage tube in my chest.
I was supposed to die in 90 days. I didn’t.
I was supposed to be on oxygen tanks and assistance for the rest of my 90 to 120 days of remaining life. I’m not.
1000 ml of fluid was being drained from my chest every three days.
As of this writing the drain went down to 200 ml and drainage tube is now out of my chest.
I didn’t die after six months.
Every medical professional looks at my file and then looks at me and kind of blinks.
To them they are preparing for palliative care.
I take pharmaceuticals. No pain meds. No radiation or IV chemotherapy.
How? Keeping doing what you are doing.
I have pages and pages of personal INsight and spiritual lessons. This has been Soul Inspired Healing. I didn’t do it by myself. When I couldn’t do for myself I was gifted two healing sessions from a Healer in New Zealand. That corroborated what I believed and got me started.
I don’t want to mislead anyone. According to my doctors the progress has been, “exceptional.” No one, in the medical profession, is declaring me curable at this point. However, I can say with the upmost glee.
I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN IN A VERY LONG TIME.
To my Crew, the extended circle of neighbors, soup makers, care providers and friends there are no words for what you gave me. I accepted and received your love. I didn’t even know I had that in me. This was the biggest lesson. You are my heart. As my Oncologist said, “I have never seen anything like this. You choose to live and there wasn’t one person who broke ranks with that choice.”
I AM THAT I AM
WHERE ANY TWO GATHER IN MY NAME.
AND SO IT IS!
Well, What’s Next?
Life Reconstruction on some level. A resurrection and a rising through the 3rd energy. Bringing what I have learned through my healing process into living everyday.
I will begin to organize the journal entries into a useful form that can be conveyed to other people. People have begun to ask me to speak and teach on what has happened.
I really want to bring some of these learnings to nurses and medical professionals who work so hard in a system that is basically inept. The system is broken not the people and I am truly grateful for the care I have received.
I want to bring some sort of a spiritual tool kit together for circles of family and friends to employ during good times and times of crisis. My Crew and their dedication to my care is the stimulus of this. It was just a sight to behold how we all came together. We are from difference spiritual belief systems. Different professional backgrounds and talents. A man and five women. His participation was critical ladies. We have to have balanced energy. We are in different stages of life. It was just pure magnificence and love.
Through my art and space of social consciousness I will continue my Brown Hued Women initiative. Spirit is urging us to love and understand each other. There has been a series of channels that require release into the world. The Reason is the first one. I am looking forward to support my community as they support, nurture and teach in our world.
This experience has taught me so much. Some of it can be passed through me. Some of it cannot. This is a soul inspired journey. It will look different for each of us. From my spiritual knowing to my health to the basic tenets of living this has been a Holy Fire that burned the dross so that I may rise.
Thank you for being here.
May you know the Divine intimately.
Namaste
THANK YOU. YOUR CONTRIBUTION IS APPRECIATED!